Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Hashtag: Soapbox

A shit show like this OF COURSE is going to work out for our heroes, come on, this is Hollywood. 
I think this will be short and sweet, but we won't find that out until I finish my last word. 

Starting with the realization that Clarence was supposed to die from a head-wound at the end of True Romance, as any good moviegoer knows, I find myself in shock they settled on the crutch of life and let him live. They even filmed the original ending. However, spoiled and pampered audiences hated the ending and the plot was forced to change for the friendlier, happier of him riding off into the sunset with Alabama, head bandaged and asleep, with only bright days ahead for them.

When I compared this happy couple in love to another happy couple in love, I preferred the other couple. The couple is none other than Romeo and Juliet.  

I think she gets naked. 
Take these medieval fools as an example of how things should be done. They court each other, faced obstacles from the start, but overcame them enough to give themselves false hope. Then the false hope converts to disappointment, passed off as earnest, but nonetheless pretty misplaced. Add in more assumptions and overreaction and they both rightly die. The medieval times didn't need a happy ending. In fact, nothing about the medieval times were very happy in the first place. Hmmm... in fact, I think this whole story is just as guilty of being full of shit as True Romance. Think about it, medieval people didn't have Netflix where they could just have a lazy Sunday filled with marathoning a TV show they're finally getting around to seeing. No, they fucking worked non-stop. Food was a constant source of worry. Winter came and who knew if you'd even survive it. There wasn't central heating. Fun was asking for a death sentence. I bet there was a medieval Joe shouting from a cabbage box about how ridiculous an idea it was that Romeo and Juliet were even doing anything but working. Seems like a silly idea now that I think about it. 

I think you'd have to go back to the Romans and the Greeks to find good stories that didn't pamper everyone,  actually full of events that would actually happen. But I digress.

Back to True Romance so we can finish this up. He should have died, she should have died. They were in the middle of a brawl containing law enforcement, mafia, and rich Hollywood egotistical snobs. It would have still been a good story if they died. Or even if she lived somehow, I feel like both of them living and then running away with the money is like the Washington Wizards making the NBA finals, and then improbably beating whichever juggernaut makes it out of the western conference. Low probability. I hate it when movies don't make any sense. Remind me to talk to you about The Island sometime. 

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