Wednesday, March 19, 2014

A NCAA Tourney Guide for Drinkers and Novices

We could write an in depth dissertation breaking down the NCAA Tournament in full fledged basketball glory. But, that would take a lot of time and cost millions of lives.

Instead, we decided to write something for the people that only follow college basketball for three weeks in late March.  If you are one of those people, and have stumbled upon this blog because you heard someone at work talking about a bracket pool, we are here for you. 

We recognize that March Madness is at its best when you have attach yourself to a team randomly and ride out that brief, lust filled fandom until that team meets their demise. 

So, below, you will find a reason to root for every time in the tournament.  As well as a drink that seems to fit each team.  Take the time to find the team, and the drink, that is right for you, and enjoy the Madness.

North Carolina:
Reason:You like the powder blue and heard the star of Space Jam went here.
Drink: Pornstar

Reason: The best way to throw people off your scent that you have no idea what is going on is to support one of the best teams. Also throw around terms like "Teamwork" and "Playing basketball the right way". Wear sweaters.
Drink: Mike's Hard Lemonade

Reason: You've seen #NerdNation thing pop up on twitter and want to fit in, you watch Big Bang Theory and read Tolstoy, or at least pretend to.
Drink: Cabernet Sauvignon

Reason: You like the underdog and think Wofford would make a great name for a fat dog.
Drink: Black Velvet Whiskey

Michigan State:
Reason: You love the movie 300, and think Spartans are awesome.
Drink: Dry Martini

New Mexico:
Reason: Breaking Bad was set in New Mexico, and that's reason enough for you.
Drink: Corona

Reason: You want to sing "Rocky Mountain High!!! Colorado!" after every basket and everyone to hate you.
Drink: Coors

Reason: You need a reason to wear all your "Agent of Chaos" gear you bought after The Dark Knight.
Drink: 151, Up.

Reason: You want to seem smarter than you really are. You also like to spin the yarn about Harvard "playing basketball the way that it was meant to be played".
Drink: Riesling

Wichita State: You jumped on the Shockers bandwagon last year, which makes you a certifiable diehard and you are going to act like it. Make sure to bemoan the heartbreak of the Final Four loss last year, newer fans simply don't understand the pain.
Drink: The Four Horsemen

Reason: You love Oregon's football uniforms.
Drink: PBR

Kansas: You are a total front runner and only want to support the best. You've been jumping on the Kansas bandwagon since Paul Pierce and Jacque Vaughn were there. Rock Chalk..what's the rest?
Drink: Jameson.

Reason: You like Jay Wright's suits.
Drink: Fireball

Reason: You're fucking American and you are going to act like the patriot you are. Make sure to call anyone rooting against them un-American, suggest they move to Canada.
Drink: Jack and Coke

Arizona State:
Reason: You, like the rest of the country, wishes that you actually had gone to ASU.
Drink: Hot Totty

Iowa State:
Reason: You heard that they call Iowa State's head coach the Mayor, you were a mayor on FourSquare, you feel kinship.
Drink: Starburst Shooter

Stephen F. Austin:
Reason: Their mascot is the Lumberjacks, you like the idea of a team with flannel jerseys and red beards in the tournament.
Drink: Tequila Sunrise

Coastal Carolina:
Reason: Their mascot is the Chanticleers and you have two things going for you that most people don't. 1. You read Chaucer. 2. You remember Chaucer. You want to talk about the demise of fair Chanticleer while watching the demise of the Chanticleers.
Drink: A Hurricane

George Washington:
Reason: You're a history nerd and want to be able to work into conversation the sand it took for old GW to cross the Delaware.
Drink: A warm ale

Reason: Its impossible to root against The Fighting Blue Hens

Reason: You don't know much, but you know "Hail To The Victors" is the greatest fight song ever.
Drink: Mimosa

Reason: They are playing Duke, that's reason enough for anybody.
Drink: This years Florida Gulf Coast Award: Pensacola Bushwacker

Reason: You like blues music and missed free throws.
Drink: Whiskey Sour

Reason: You like to drink Manhattan's.
Drink: Really? A Manhattan.

Reason: You've partied and Madison once and won at Hammerschlagen. These are the things memories are made of.
Drink: Miller Genuine Draft

Reason: You like the idea of a team full of fat friars in robes winning at basketball.
Drink: Communion Wine

Reason: You've been out of the game a few years, but remember when Umass had those sick squads with Marcus Camby.
Drink: Sam Adam's Boston Lager

Reason: You like beer.
Drink: Milwaukee's Best

Reason: Red and black always make nice uniforms.
Drink: Cincinnati Cocktail

St. Louis:
Reason: You know what a Billiken is. You also want to hear Jim Nance squeal," St. Louis, the Gateway to the West, is now the Gateway to the Best!"
Drink: Busch.

Ohio State:
Reason: Same reason as St. Louis, you know what a Buckeye is.
Drink: Red Death

Reason: You are a humanitarian sort, and you think its nice that Dayton has been hosting these play in games all these years.
Drink: Tom Collins

Reason: You like dogs, especially Great Danes.
Drink: Adios Motherfucker

Louisville: Because their pace of pay is like six bumps of cocaine.
Reason: Vodka Red Bull

Reason: Danny Manning is their coach!
Drink: Hurricane

Reason: You will never having to worry about misspelling their name.
Drink: Peach Belini

Reason: Their mascot is a giant piece of fruit.
Drink: Screwdriver

Reason: Its always cute when football schools play basketball.
Drink: Bourbon Fizz

Eastern Kentucky: Directional schools normally don't do well, and you like the underdog.
Drink: Jim Beam, Up.

Reason: You liked the movie Far and Away and just saw a youtube of Blake Griffin dunking in college.
Drink: Red Ale

Creighton: Doug McDermott sounds like a lawyer, but he's actually one of the best scorers in the history of college basketball
Drink: Rob Roy

New Mexico State:
Reason: They have a guy who is 7'5".
Drink: Tequila Sunset

North Dakota State:
Reason: There isn't a lot in North Dakota, you want to make sure the 12 people that live there don't feel lonely.
Drink: Harvey Wallbanger

Reason: It says "Sic em Bears" on the back of their uniforms. That's pretty awesome.
Drink: Bloody Mary

NC State:
Reason: They are the guy at the party nobody knows and everyone keeps asking, "How did he get in here?"
Drink: Jello Shot

Reason: Gumbo.
Drink: Sazerac

San Diego State: You feel sorry for people that subject themselves to such perfect weather.
Drink: Margherita

St. Joe's:
Reason: Their coach looks like the dad from everybody loves Raymond.
Drink: Brass Tacks Buck

Reason: Yuengling is one of your favorite beers and you love French fries smothered in cheddar cheese.
Drink: Yuengling

Reason: Their best player is named Shabazz.
Drink: Elephant Flip

Reason: You like Macaroni and Cheese, their road uniforms look like macaroni and cheese. This makes you hungry.
Drink: Jack Daniels

Reason: You saw a sentimental news report on their coach and it tugged on their heartstrings.
Drink: Iowa Sunrise

N.C. Central:
Reason: Because two days ago you didn't know this school existed. They could be this years Florida Gulf Coast, except less interesting.
Drink: Automatic Midnight

Reason: You always chat with the Mormons when they knock on your door.
Drink: Milk.

Reason: You like sunshine and Cacti.
Drink: Death on two legs

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